Why Twilight Sucks (And Not In The Vampiric Sense)

So Twilight made 70 million dollars this weekend. And it sucks. This is nothing new, Sex and the City was a crime against both eyes and art, and now it's getting a trilogy. And before I get too deep into my criticism, I will give it this. It made geeky fanboys out of the crowd that ridiculed us most. Camping out, lining up around the block, as big a crowd at Comicon as Watchmen? Girls, you are nerds. *one of us, one of us*

Anyway, so, by now everyone knows about Twilight. Girl movie to small town, runs it with devastaingly attractive emo boy in science class, turns out he's a vampire. They can't be together because he kinda wants to eat her. But they are in LOVE. He's mysterious and intense, but really a good boy, doesn't want to do anything inappropriate. He's, like, totally perfect.

Except he's not a vampire. Now I know I can be pretty strict with my mythological creatures (zombies DO NOT run), but I can take bit of creative license, But seriously. What makes him a vampire. He has no fangs. He doesn't sleep in a coffin. He doesn't even sleep. Which doesn't matter cause he can go out in broad daylight. He lives off animals, and refuses to kill humans. Even though he really, really wants to. That's not being a vampire. That's being mentally unstable. Sure, he's immortal and hard to kill and glitters in daylight. But so's Clancy Brown in Highlander. Would covering the Kurgan in glitter make him a vampire? I thought not But it will still be awesomer than Edward Cullen.

As for the romanticism, that just leads me back to that mentally unstable thing I mentioned earlier. He's romantic because he keeps professing his desire to feast on Bella's vital fluids? Actually, let's go back. He shouldn't be going near any of her bodily fluids, vital or otherwise. He's ninety years old. He may look young, but he's a victim of the influenza epidemic. And he just keeps going to high school, over and over again. That's creepy and a little disgusting. Why does he keep going to school? He never interacts with anyone. He just hangs out with his faux brothers and sisters and looks pretty in his oh-so-tragic wardrobe and beautiful cars. So much for discretion. And everyone knows that high school sucks. I'm sorry, but it does. It's 4 years of stupid bullshit, that doesn't really matter in the real world. I was the farthest thing from cool in high school, and now I'm a goddamned filmmaker. I'm the same person, but in the real world my quirks and eccentricities are a good thing, despite what high school would have had me believe.

Wow, that was kind of bitter. Back on point. Edward also follows her around, into the city and in super protective. If I followed my girlfriend everywhere and refused to let her look after herself, I would dump my own ass on her behalf. Granted he does save her from almost certain rape, but that's just common decency. If anyone has to the power to do that, and doesn't they deserve to have to be forced to read this tripe for eternity. Lastly, he sneaks into her room and watches her sleep. What. The. Hell. Someone who wants to eat you and is constantly fighting not to, watching you sleep, all night. That is scar If any one of the girls who swoon after Edward actually had to deal with that, they would freak. And then their parents would come in, and things would get messy, and out of control .

And all of this in generic boring writing. I mean, there are literally pages of Bella mooning over Edward's eyes. And not a full chapter without mentioning Bella is a klutz. I won't even get into the heavy handed anti-Catholic Mormon allegory side of it. Well, maybe a little. Edward is a super good boy, with all his family of non-vampires and rejects most of what makes a vampire a vampire and keeps with a strict moral code. Including, among other things, no tongue kissing. This displeases the ancient order of vampire, that happen to be based in Rome.

Lastly, they made a movie of the whole mess. Which could have stripped out the more annoying parts. Like Bella's constant inner monologue. But they didn't. There are documentaries with less narration. They got a cast destined for reality TV, at least one of which can only get real work with the director of the movie. I had high hopes for Kristen Stewart, but alas. Funnily enough, the only one I don't hate in Pattinson, because he actually seems to be in on the joke. He almost didn't audition because he felt the role was too narissistic, and argued with Stephenie Meyers constantly. Which I approve of. Plus, the movie is going to distract from more deserving movies in theaters. How many people are going to see JCVD, or Synechode, New York? Slumdog Millionaire, or Milk. God forbid they go see Let The Right One In, a brilliant, beautiful, funny, heartbreaking movie about a young boy who falls in love with a girl. A girl who happens to be a vampire. Any one frame of that movie has 10 times the artistry and craft of all of Twilight. And they did it without changing the rules. They respected the mythos, and stuck to it. And no one will see it cause it's Swedish, and the vulgar masses would rather not read and watch at the same time.

In conclusion, Twilight is a pox on literature and a slap to the face of legitimate horror, and romance. It's a summation of more or less all that's wrong with modern cinema, and most of the young adult culture at large. I know this probably comes across as a bitter rant, but I have argued long and hard for the legitimacy of horror and pop culture in general, and I needed to have my feelings known.




OH!!!!! I JUST GOT IT!. Twilight sucks, but not vampirically. Just like how the characters aren't really vampires. It's all a meta-narrative about irony. It's like ray-hee-ain on my goddamed wedding day.